Unencumbered words.

who even reads these?

2005-08-11T00:03:00.000-07:00

okay. I have this uncanny feeling that no one is reading my blogs except for me. Of course, I started this as an e-diary/journal for the unknown and unacquainted to read. But have they proven effective of the goal I am trying to reach here?

peace+sanity.monee

p.s. reply if so.

2005-05-25T23:51:00.000-07:00

2005-05-13T16:31:00.000-07:00

<>.

2005-05-09T20:20:00.000-07:00

So relaxing hasn't really come to me yet. I feel that once I begin to slip off guard, I automatically perk my body up again to see if I missed anything within the 34 seconds of pausing.

10 more days. beautiful words.

Upon my arrival to Cal, I have been anticipating the culminating moment(s) in which the old me would change, or transform if you liked the cartoon, into a new "Manivanh." I feel I have become much more articulate in my words, thoughts, and mannerisms. Especially after that one class (see previous posts and note the 'vents' of a particular). Also, I feel I have been able to pick and choose my arguments--those of which I am willing to fight for, knowing what to fight for... Perhaps life is beginning to take on more definition.

Sooner or later, my roommates and I are bound to clean up our room. It's been a good four months since we last vaccumed, and it's not pretty if you've gotten the compilation of three female heads and a sufficient amount of hair falling out every day. Some have asked if we've done something to our carpet. Well, you could say that we DIdn't do anything and that's why.

Lately, and yesi could attest to this, I've been completely paranoid about having mono. Not because I might have gotten it from my roommate, but because the source for her might have gotten to me. At first it was the sore, yet not painful, throat. Then it was finding a bruise on my right cheek (at least I thought it was). Then I was getting really drowsy and slept after running after having finished my oral report last Thursday. AND THEN, my stomach started to ache... near the spleen area and kidney area---mono, non? Turns out, these could have all been symptoms of my starting the menstrual cycle again. (laughing because I know guys who are reading this are disgusted; I love being a woman!).

I have replaced :::lovemuch::: with peace+sanity.monee

the solitude of my blog

2005-05-05T22:35:00.000-07:00

It's sort of scary to write and know that strangers, and maybe a few friends, will read these. I think this idea has held me back from actually going more deep into my thoughts, about life, in discussing the issues that really mean something. Or, the possibility could be that I, myself, am paranoid and feel like others I know might read it and it's really not true and so I'd be writing to myself and a few strangers and 0 friends would know. Next paragraph.

So I decided to start up a personal blog because I felt I needed to better express my thoughts into words. I've had a few 'complaints' that there are times when I'm not clear about what I'm saying--which frustrates me. Taking no offense, however, I make this endeavor to find my style of writing and to possibly even perform it in different forms. And I suppose that some of the most effective writings of human history (since saying only U.S. would bias the other histories that it is prone to leave out), derive a sense of voice, of creating that connection to their reader through experiences--through emotions.

Then I leave you with this:
I feel on the border of logical depression and blissful agony. What do I mean by this? As the Greeks put it, I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, which isn't all too bad but couldn't be good.

I feel confined in the countless thoughts that are reeling in my head, creating a silent movie of my life that seems to be on 'Repeat.' My efforts lack progress to the eyes of some. To others, it continues to hold light.

I feel one nostril cramping up with too much air; a pain occurs. Life's cruelties and gifts pose an imbalanced me, yet when it is-what could be better knowing you can breathe again?

I feel I am running in a tank of tar, trying to escape, trying to get free. But I am only pulled back to the same position again. Love, that inexpressable word. O, love! To what extent must a young heart journey before finding peace amongst the arteries that give it life?

I feel fine. I feel confused. I feel relaxed. I feel cold.

A guy down my hall (the bartender, we call him) recently asserted that many great works of English literature are not metaphorical; they are all what they are and nothing deeper. Could it be?

<) ...pizza :)

2005-05-03T00:03:00.000-07:00

My stomach hurts. 2 slices of grilled chicken pizza + 2 mozzarella sticks + 3 bottles of water= bad aches at 12am

Two and a half more weeks until I close the book on my first year at Cal. YAY! That means I'm only 365x3 days before graduating and ACTUALLY get to start research...schway and much righteous.

On another topic now, je pense que je suis en amour avec un homme, mais j'ai dire beaucoup de temps. nevermind. let's hold these borders before crossing into very gray territory regarding that word, the feelings, the fluctuations of...everything just about.

Ever since I got bangs, I have had this head twitch that puts them back in place without my ever touching my face with who knows what on my hands. go neutrogena.

p.s. short post today, short post tomorrow.

On the topic of death and serial killers

2005-04-26T22:45:00.000-07:00

Emily says that The Amytville Horror was a good movie, even better than Gothika in theaters (because on DVD it just wasn't as loud or as scary because you couldn't talk about it to ease the uncanny of it). I say, "Well, why don't you READ about the story and be freaked out even more that a son/brother could kill his whole family and not even feel a smidge of guilt, remorse, awareness of his unstable psychopathological doings...?" I recently went to my usual cyber venue of Criminal Justice summaries of killers, rapists, etc. and I decided to read why there was so much hype about it--to my surprise, I didn't read anything about the house being haunted, unless it was just another Hollywood invention to boost up the profits (damn resonating yellow journalism!).

On a lighter note, one of the 10 most infamous killers is a 10 yr-old girl named Mary Bell who killed kids her age. Now HER story was haunting to the point where I could feel a cold heat crawling up my spine. The last time I felt that was when I was younger and would have to use the bathroom at night, running in a panic at the possibilities that lurked in your most uncomfortable and unalert disposition after having watched The Sixth Sense (don't tell me you haven't done this).

On a fat-free-good-for-your-body-like-Yoplait note, I will be seeing some of my family this weekend! I think it's been a month since spring break, and it'll be good to see them again and get away for awhile, mentally and physically.

onomatopoeia! (aka geesh), I have ruthlessly anticipated the culminating moment of the weekend and its many splendors--which, by the way, starts Thursday night for me now since tutoring is over. With only a month to go before school is officially over, my lackadaisical nature is kicking in like no other personality defunct has ever before. I find myself unfortunately back to my normal "window shopping" and somehow I am finding shopping bags piling underneath my bed!

lovemuch.

blah blah blog...in upsetting state

2005-04-24T18:25:00.000-07:00

I hate running.

If I am chased by some convicted rapist, or if I need to get an A, then my legs are in automatic.

Figuratively though, I am not one to give up or to not take up a challenge for betterment of the world. But what do you do when it seems as if all your hard work, all the endeavors that have been pumping out from your body, seems to be working at a lost cause? Not that the Red Cross is a lost cause (I plan to do great things with them) but metaphorically--should you stop or just slow down and give up trying?

Lately, I have been unable to put a lot of my struggles, pains, and worries in words. Damn lexicon of the human race! No matter how many words it's bound to have and continues to have, there are still scarce amounts to suffice to fulfill my emotions at this moment. It feels like my legs are stuck in tar and I'm trying to get out of it but I only feel my leg muscles cramping in a rhythmic beat, sort of like to the song of Prince's "1999".

I hate to complain because I know I could be doing something to actually make a change. But maybe I'm too anxious in trying to urge the problems to their solutions. Tu pense? I feel too perplexed and keep arriving at dead ends. Even though I try to confide my plight to others whom I trust--I can't explain it in words or only talk up to the point where I start to confuse myself and eventually pause for moments before I realize if what I was talking about was really a problem as a whole or just to me?

breathe.

on and on and on

2005-04-21T00:30:00.000-07:00

a day less than a month before the prime of my college life has dissipated into the comforting thought of the past...

today it seemed, or at least I felt, that I was more excited than usual for the normal ongoings of my Wednesdays. Well, maybe because the GBC was selling really yummy, well-ripen strawberries for only $2.99 a box (so worth it given the fact that I have a lot of points to kill in that day less than a month period. Downfall to this pleasant satiety of fruit to the psyche--it was my last official day of working at Malcolm X for Break The Cycle. Again, very good food present: another justification of my abnormal angst. If it all works out in next semester's schedule, I will totally go back to working there. It was really sad to finally have to realize that my Mondays-Wednesdays-Fridays will be just open/free/empty with events. Back to my vanity of reading and rereading, eating and reeating (well, I guess since finals are coming up).

You know what's weird? Even though I know the definition of these words, it stills hold enigmatic connotations when flexibly used in different works that I have spotted them in:

1. vanity
2. aesthetic
3. cunning

Interchangeably, they can be used as nouns, verbs, adjectives,...just a slight change here and there.
In the wisdom of good ol' Calvin and Hobbes strips: "Verbing weirds words."

GROUpLDS

2005-04-13T21:30:00.000-07:00

GROUpLDS
Originally uploaded by mm_mouanoutoua.

OUR LAST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL- TOGETHER....

It was such a weird day! There was barely enough food to relieve us of our growling because the football players got through first and seconds before the rest of the 127 out of the 140 got a whiff of it. Also, after the senior brunch/lock in until 12pm--we decided to go to Boomers (and if you've been there, you need Bill Gates' Valentino wallet and a liver just in case) So we expended a good hour in deciding WHERE we wanted to eat.

THEN. We golfed and went home--strange, as I mean, not as 'togethered' as I thought it would be.

BUT. Nonetheless it was awesome to get out of that place!

AH...the good life, so why ya'll trippin?

2005-04-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

jesse mccartney. the splitting image of aaron carter, honestly.

I just finished my second 5-7pg paper. But I feel unsatisfied. Of course, it will undergo major revisioning in the next forty-eight hours. On a lighter note, my roommate and I were planning to dye our hair, this time professionally because the last time we attempted at such a simple apply, massage, and rinse agenda--my scalp turned red instead of the hair. yeah, at least my parents weren't as mad as they were amused.

Maybe red streaks? I don't know- I figure since I'm Asian, I can't really go for the whole redness of the hair because then I'd look synonomously like the Asian girl down the street, in the bathroom, next door, in my RC class...

The best part about writing this blog right now is knowing I am not working on my paper because I'm tired. Speaking of tired, I want it to be summer already! The only way I can obtain such gladness of school being over is if I complete my oral report, finish my 10-12 page research paper, and finish two 3-hour finals in one day...then my eye twitches (shout out to bren) will lessen in frequency and maybe my hair will decide to grow again.

jasonmraz

2005-04-05T17:14:00.000-07:00

jasonmraz
Originally uploaded by mm_mouanoutoua.

Ode to Mraz

Amazing you are--
the sweetness of
those moments of first waking up
not to gas-polluted and ozone depleted skies but
to the right kind of sun and
the perfect, bliss demise.
words ramble on like
the delight of not one
not two but multiple bites
of your favorite ice cream on a
hot, non-summer day.

(It's the perfect day right now in Berkeley, and it was hot earlier, and i was craving strawberry ice cream...maybe it's an ode to emotions poured into a bottle of a-mraziful lumination)

melodious and 'remedy' music...

2005-04-05T17:00:00.000-07:00

phase two.

2005-04-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

i have just finished writing my first paper--but it isn't wholly finished until it undergoes great speculation and revision in the next 48 hours.

In the meantime, i figure five minutes for this and 226 (remembering the rule to Tommy) minutes for the new outline of a literary product. So i have been thinking...new blog, new post, new me? Maybe I'll decide to change the red nail polish on my toes or finally decide to do my laundry in less than a month- i don't know. Something extreme though.

yes...extreme

berkeleycampinile

2005-04-02T22:54:00.000-08:00

berkeleycampinile
Originally uploaded by mm_mouanoutoua.

the blue sky. the greenery. the non-polluted atmosphere of the bay area.

the beginning of a new blog.

2005-04-02T18:41:00.000-08:00

how about a post to the new me. Or, actually, to the new webhost of my fantabulous thoughts for the cyber world to indulge in. Let this be the start of a less stressful, more private and emotionally soothing practice compared to the usual vents to the Jason Mraz poster on my wall.

luck be a lady tonight. I have two 7pg. papers due within the next two weeks. After that, I promised to shop--madly.